This is Kris

A cloud is lifting...

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 04:34:25 GMT

I can't find the words tonight to be eloquent about how trying the past two weeks have been. They simply have been fucking hard. The ground shifted underneath me, and I haven't found footing until tonight. My heart still aches as I imagine it will for a long while, but I found the ability to be joyful tonight and for that I am grateful.

I still have to laugh right?

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 20:52:56 GMT

Okay, I just had two cavities filled and I'm trying like hell not to drool on myself, when my yoga teacher sends me this. The Onion captures perfectly exactly the way I feel about electronic crap. Enjoy!

All things go

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 04:06:36 GMT

Hold your grandmother's Bible to your breast.
Gonna put it to the test.
You want it to be blessed.
And in your heart,
You know it to be true,
You know what you gotta do.
They all depend on you.
And you already know.
Yeah, you already know how this will end.

There is no escape,
From the slave-catchers' songs.
For all of the loved ones gone.
Forever's not so long.
And in your soul,
They poked a million holes.
But you never lettem show.
C'mon it's time to go.

And
You
Already know.
Yeah, you already know
How this will end.

Now you've seen his face.
And you know that there's a place,
In the sun,
For all that you've done,
For you and your children.
No longer shall you need.
You always wanted to believe,
Just ask and you'll receive,
Beyond your wildest dreams.

And
You
Already know.
Yeah, you already know
How this will end.

You already know (You already know)
Your already love will end.
-Devotchka (How it Ends)

I'm sorry my smile wasn't always written on my face. It was there all along, and there it remains.

A Change Has Come

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 05:41:02 GMT

Today has been the most amazing day. Hope is palpable. It's a feeling we as a nation and world haven't been accustomed to experiencing in quite some time. Not only was this a momentous day for the world, it was a wonderful day for me as well. Tonight was the last yoga class in my teacher training, and I am so thankful for this experience and the journey it has taken me on with myself and my fellow classmates. I feel so honored to have spent the past 20 weeks with them, in laughter, in tears and in growth. I am fading quickly with the realization that I have to wake up in less than 6 hours, so my thoughts are short and sweet tonight. It was a wonderful day for far more reasons that I have the energy to explain now, but suffice to say that my day has been uplifting, meaningful, and joyful and for that I am immeasurably grateful. Night.

HAHAHAHA!

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:59:50 GMT

Oh the things I find amusing....this gave me a hearty chuckle today so enjoy! :-)

Can I get a Fuck You?

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 04:55:52 GMT

Today someone disrespected me. It was the straw that broke the camel's back concerning this person. I told her I was tired of being disrespected and treated as if I am less than her. I held my ground and kept my cool while she made an ass out of herself. I feel great. A burden has been lifted.

Now I need to find a place to live. :-)

Thank You

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 04:58:50 GMT

Thanks to my mom and Lane who got on a train today to come see me.
Thanks to Marie who did the dishes.
Thanks to my yoga friends who told me to hang in there Tuesday night and gave me lots of hugs.
Thanks to Bobbie for taking me out tonight to celebrate the winter solstice.
Thanks to Liz, Becky, and Lauren who helped me get a job that I love.
Thanks to Maike for thinking of me to teach her co-workers yoga.
Thanks to the barista at Starbucks for giving me a tampon in what could have been a terrible situation. :-)
Thanks that today was my last day at work for two whole weeks.
Thanks to Mike for sending me directions on how to fix my Ipod.
Thanks for Christmas. I love this time of year.
Thanks that it's time for bed, and that mine is warm and snuggly.

Help Save In Other Words!

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 04:14:10 GMT

My friend Katie just moved to Portland this past summer and got her dream job at the last feminist bookstore in the country called In Other Words. Like so many other non-profits in the recession, they will have to close in December if they can't raise some much-needed money. Here's a little video with Katie (on the right) talking about In Other Words.

Woe is me...

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 03:55:07 GMT

Sick, so sick. I don't know the perpetrator, but someone has indeed infected me with their snotty nosed, stuffy head sickness. Yuck. The yoga altar this week is things we are grateful for. Right now my paid sick days are at the top of that list. Hate winter. Cold sucks. Don't understand the complexities of how to open NyQuil liquicaps....you know the ones that come in the bubble packs with the peel off backs? Need they really be that difficult to open? I felt like a pharmaceutical carnivore, tearing at the pack with my teeth until finally sweet relief was bestowed upon me in the form of sleep-inducing nighttime medication. That shit is liquid gold. Anyway, I am tired and ready for bed. Yoga tomorrow. Coffee on Wednesday. Studying on Thursday and Miracle Ball on Friday. Hopefully I can breathe by then. Take care my peeps.

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 05:24:26 GMT

Yesterday and today were great days and I thought I'd share!

Joyful Moment #1

For those of you that may not know, I work at a pre-school where kids range in ages from 3-5. There is a pretty large developmental gap between 3 and 5-year olds, so it can be challenging to work on necessary social, academic, and emotional skills when we have a mix in the classrooms. One of the techniques we've employed for addressing the different needs of each child is to separate them into small groups and work on what is appropriate for each age. Yesterday I was working with one child in particular on letter recognition, who also happens to be my absolute favorite little kid. He just turned 5 and is having a difficult time recognizing letters, so we chose to focus on the letter "E" for whatever reason. I came up with a game where we went on a treasure hunt and found all the grown up E's and the baby e's in the classroom, and by the end of the day, he was recognizing at least that letter. I got some great feedback too from my co-workers about the game and we've since decided to incorporate it into our daily classroom schedule. Go me!
Today when my little man came into school, he pulled me over to his cubby and showed me two cereal boxes he brought from home. I was a little confused at first about why he brought empty boxes to school, but then he said, "Look Ms. Kristin! I found an "E" on here!" He had gone home and decided on his own to look for more E's. Ohmigod, my heart stopped. Academic transference! You never really know with kids this young what they are taking in and retaining and what they aren't; so to see that this concept clearly stuck and he was excited about it.....well, it made my day. I literally could not stop from tearing up. These are the moments teachers live for.

Joyful Moment #2

We go on many field trips, at least twice a week at our school. Not every child or teacher for that matter gets to go every time, and of course it's always hard for the kids that have to stay at school and feel like they've been left behind. This afternoon my co-workers took some on a field trip, so I was left there with the intern to manage the classroom and the rest of the days activities. Well, you would have thought these kids have never been on a field trip before because they all just lost it. I'm talking every single one of them (8!) started screaming and bawling when the other kids left. Here I was, I had this moment of an out of body experience. I could either run the other way and hope to god they'd shut up, or I could be stronger than them and find some way to calm them and proceed with our day as joyfully as possible. Thankfully I chose the latter. :-) I ushered them all to our circle time rug and showed them how to give a group hug. So there we were, like weakened war buddies, huddled together with the intern and the resource teacher and 8 sniffling kids, and we hugged each other. It was quite possibly the best moment so far of my experience as a teacher. Order was restored. Love was shared. I was happy, and so were they.

Joyful Moment #3

I have yoga teacher training class every Tuesday night. On each of these nights, each person teaches a yoga sequence until eventually we build up enough to teach a 1 hour class. There is a LOT to remember when up there. Not only just keeping your cool in front of 20 people, but remembering what the hell to actually do, the benefits of each posture, how to transition from one to another safely, and all the risks and modifications for each pose. I am nervous every time, I can't help it. No matter how much self talk I do or breathing exercises, I always get nervous, although it has been lessening more and more thankfully. Overall I'm pretty happy with my teaching style, but I rarely get much feedback from the other students and the teachers. So today I asked them at the end of class if anyone had anything at all to say aboutmy sequence, and one of my teachers looked at me and said, " You're lovely. Your teaching is lovely, your voice is lovely. You have it down."
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was so happy to hear that, especially from the teacher with whom I connect the most. It was exactly what I needed.

Not everyday is awesome. Not everyday is spectacular or mindblowing. But the past few days, I've set my intention to be joyful and these beautuful and inspiring moments revealed themselves to me. I can't ask for much more. Namaste and good night!

Thoughts From an Inward Search for Self..

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 04:23:12 GMT

A little more about me…as far as I can tell at this very moment.

I am clearly self-centered by writing this post. No, perhaps not…it’s more of a way to check in with myself, something that feels especially important when life is testing me as it is now. On the outside, I present a calm, often detached demeanor….but on the inside I flame; my heart’s passion ignites at the very smallest and insignificant of things, whether it be a kind gesture, a meaningful touch, or even a damn good pastry. I like being alone much of the time and take comfort in my own solace. But when I need people around me, I must have it or my inwardness may prove to be suffocating. I don’t need an enormous amount of external stimulation to feel aroused and galvanized by life; but at the same time, I move slowly through this world, gathering bits and pieces of data that will be stored in my arsenal for later use. To some it looks as if I don’t move at all.

I haven’t completely figured out what my life’s meaning is, but it must have something to do with trusting and loving myself. I have a hard time letting go, especially when my heart is involved. My relationship with those I love has provided the most rewarding experiences of my life, but I am learning that it’s not selfish to love myself. I love yoga, although I don’t do it enough. And I love baking, although I don’t do it enough either.

Oh, and I have damn high standards for myself and especially those whom I love. Sorry to all of you who have felt those standards imposed upon you….it really does come from a place of love and I am learning better how to convey that.

I’m not afraid to express to you all that I’ve met my heart’s counterpart in another, although it terrifies me to truly feel that exclamation. As the universe would have it though, now is not the time for boys in my life… which has made for a great deal of suffering for both of us.

I really, really don’t enjoy having a roommate. Or at least not this roommate. I stay up entirely too late on worknights and don’t get nearly enough done for having burned the midnight oil. Goddamn I love music. I’m obsessed; it’s my best friend, my lover, my mother, and my brother when I need it to be.

More than anything in this life, I am searching. I wear a bracelet that reads, “Enjoy the journey” and every part of me strives to do so throughout my quest. I’m not sure when the journey will be over and when I can stop looking, but all of the magical, painful, joyous divine moments that have graced my life have shaped and taught me, and will continue to do so. Namaste…

Movie Suggestion #1

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 22:56:17 GMT

This is a movie I showed on campus back in college, and I recommend that if you have never seen "Network" go and rent it from the library. Despite that it was made in 1976, it speaks more truth today than I think even back then and was way ahead of it's time. Anyway, I won't rant about the subject matter, but it's a movie of many monologues by Peter Finch who plays the main character Howard Beale. These are just a couple of the monologues, and I hope they inspire you to go watch the whole thing. Enjoy!

I blame those EMO fuckers..

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 22:13:25 GMT

So I am going to bitch for a moment, please hang tight. Today I went for a haircut. This is what I asked for:

Cute huh? Look how happy I am. Feminine and chic, and my hair was finally almost long enough to do this after I chopped it off a year and a half ago.

This is what I got.

What the fuck is this?? The guy massacred my hair. This haircut looks ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like the picture above which is what I brought in to him. I realize in the grand scheme of things that a bad haircut is minimal, at least hair grows. But I really needed to feel good about this haircut. I've been sick for a while and lots of things are new and slightly overwhelming in my life right now, and goddammit, I just wanted to feel pretty. I don't feel pretty with this haircut. It looks like some EMO, punk shit which is totally not me. And the bangs! I specifically said that bangs on me were a mistake and he had the stupidity and disrespect to give me them again! Arghhh....I just literally hate it. And it doesn't feel good to hate something thats connected to your body. I'm trying, but I just can't find anything good to say about the disaster that is sitting on top of my head.

It takes me back to first grade when I got what was the premiere haircut at the time; a mullet. I loathed it with a fiery passion. I went to school the following week and a girl in my class named Crystal Brown proclaimed to me, "What is that thing on top of your head?!"
I refused to take off my purple rain coat for the rest of the day and hid underneath my desk. I want to hide under my desk until this grows out.

I got me some movies and cake and I'm sitting here tonight to mourn the loss of my hair once again. Maybe I'll start taking those pre-natal vitamins that stimulate hair growth. I'll be okay, but for tonight, I grieve, as silly as that may sound.

Thanks for letting me blow off some steam.

Late night..

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 02:58:29 GMT

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 21:37:45 GMT

Ahhh...I...feel...like......

shit.

Need something to work out. Getting very impatient. Lashed out at people today because my life feels like its in the crapper. Trying to have a different perspective. Wonder how much of it is me or the economy or both. Can't even work up the energy to write full sentences.

There you go. This is called the quarter life crisis right?

Tired..

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 04:24:56 GMT

Oh it's been a long day. Not bad, just long. Lots of driving around Indy which I loathe doing and trying to make something happen. Met with a number of people about places to live. Good leads, but nothing solid. Gotta be out of here by the end of next week. Thankfully I have very welcoming and tolerant friends who don't mind if I crash on their couch and a storage unit in which to stores me stuff. Glad too that I have some savings but don't know how long that will last. Overall its pretty damn stressful, but so far I am trying to focus on what I DO have as opposed to what I DON'T. Otherwise I think I could be pretty depressed! Vow to never again let this kind of situation happen though if I can help it. Went by the yoga school today where I am plunking down LOTS of money to get my teacher certification. Glad I have a credit card even if I can't pay it off. :-) Suze Orman may disagree with me.

I see most of my friends being unhappy with their job, even those that make lots of money and/or went through a lot of school. I want to say to them; come with me, lets start a farm. Your ideals can be met through hard work and connection with the land and producing food we can eat and sell to others. Screw city life and all the hassles and headaches that go with it. (Of course the farm will be no more than 20 miles to a city so we could escape to that world only when we want to. I mean, I gotsta shake my booty at a club just as much as the next person.) Why do we spend so much time pursuing our individualistic "dreams" and then spin our wheels trying to change the world? Isn't that a bit ego-centric? Wouldn't we be more powerful if we worked as a collective? I find it ironic and sad at the same time that I have many friends who are interested in many of the same things I am....and yet we each do our own things. What a force we could be together! Perhaps that 's my idealistic downfall...

Ho hum. I'm tired and heading to bed. I am super sore from yoga last night and I need a good bath and a massage.

Night ya'lls.....(see I got the farm accent down!)

Kris

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 20:48:47 GMT

"Suicides among veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan are reaching epidemic proportions. More than 6,000 veterans took their lives in 2005 alone, according to a study by CBS News. By some estimates, veterans are attempting suicide 1,000 times a month. Marine Corporal James Jenkins of New Jersey was one of these unsung casualties of war. A decorated veteran of the Iraq invasion and the Battle of Najaf, he took his own life after serving 22 months overseas. His mother, Cynthia Fleming, shares his story with ANP - a tragedy that is being repeated 15 times a day in this country."

It's so easy to go about our daily lives with our sometimes superficial concerns and forget that there are still people fighting this terrible and illegal war. I was truly shocked at the numbers of how many veterans have committed suicide even in a given year, and it's news that isn't covered on any broadcast in the mainstream media. I could go on a rant about corporate media and the bastardization of "free speech" or about the war machine that supports our economy and has created the military industrial complex that Eisenhower so famously warned against. Or I could go on to talk about how the U.S. comprises over 50% of global arms sales and how the "leaders" of the free world receive direct compensation for their participation in the privatization of the military; a relationship that is unique to this war and the Bush administration. No, this post is not about those things. This is about consciously remembering there are hundreds of thousands of people that are suffering today at this very moment for the advancement of our national interests. I don't preach, this isn't a guilt fest because by no means am I one to judge someone's reasoning for joining the military and fighting for something the believe in, regardless of whether I buy into or understand them. What I can understand is pain, perhaps not on this magnitude, but pain none the less. I alone cannot end this war. There are powers far greater than myself and relationships so deeply interwoven and pockets so deeply lined, that I cannot think for a moment I can alter them. But I can reflect. I can share my opinions or videos like this. I can do yoga and garden and teach others how to connect better with themselves and the earth around us and underneath our feet. I can bake a cake. That's my contribution. I'm learning to be okay with that. But now I have to get back to the concerns in my life. Finding a job, somewhere to live. Today though I take this mother's pain and her son's suffering into my heart and rejoice for all the people and love that surround me.

Check out http://newsproject.org/ for more insightful and important news.

Namaste.

Heart For Sale No More...

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 18:51:55 GMT

I've recently realized that I am a slave to love. I've sacrificed myself at the altar of love for what? Besides the obvious, I did it because I honestly believe in the transformative power of love; that it can change the way we perceive even the most mundane of life's daily tasks. That it can throw you up into the heavens and just as quickly shoot you back down. I made decisions that more rational people would have balked at, all in the name of love. I put my own dreams on hold only to discover that guess what, they don't go away just because you fall in love. And I've also discovered that love isn't enough. The idealist in me continues to lose out to the pragmatist. I won't stop believing in love (isn't that a cheesy 80's song?) but I will be more careful how and when I let it into my life. I won't let it control me again, although in many ways I still feel like I'm drowning in it's tidal wave. But there is always tomorrow right?

More uplifting things to report though. I applied for a job I'd really like to have today in Bloomington. I don't have a lot of hope for it because Bloomington hasn't worked out yet, but the job would be great for me, plus I could do the once a week commute for the yoga program. But I have no idea how it will turn out and I've learned not to expect much from employers in this town. I have my yardsale tomorrow where I am getting rid of a ton of stuff. It's time to part with a few things and move on.

I've been sittin' here,
waitin' for my next beer,
waitin for the next year.
The night is young
but it's getting older
and its getting colder in here.
Don't you see me patient?
I got my dollars waitin'
but you seem to be takin' your time.

I'm sittin' here
waitin for the next train
waitin' my life away.
And I am yours,
but I'm getting older
and I'm getting colder out here.
Don't you see me patient?
I'm 26 and waiting,
but you seem to be takin' your time.

Don't you see me patient?
I am always waiting for you.

-Stewart Cole

Oh dear..

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 00:03:45 GMT

Yes, life is oh so hard sometimes. Not just this particular day, but the past year has been the hardest of my adult life. I've gained a lot, but lost much as well. And here I am at the close of my time in Bloomington and it is with sadness and reluctance that I leave. I know in my heart it is the right time for me to go, but in typical Kristin fashion, I have not done a stellar job at formulating the next step. I wafted back and forth as I usually do about everything instead of taking the next step with conviction of heart and spirit. In many ways, the decision I have reached is a bit circumstantial in that nothing else has worked out so far and well, I have to go somewhere and do something. This is the problem with not knowing yourself or perhaps not listening to yourself well enough. I've had a lot of distractions and disappointments this past year and I want more than anything to learn from them and move on. I am taking a step out on faith, but it's been difficult every step of the way. All for the chance to try out a baking program, I am moving to a city that I don't like too much and living in one of the shadiest parts of town. (Sorry Mom, I just found out.) But I don't know what else to do, I am at a loss. I feel like any decision I make takes me away from another one that could be better or could have a greater, more meaningful impact on my life. I know, I know..how could anyone know the impact any one decision could have on their life? I can't, thats just the problem. I've never been good at mitigating decisions...there are so many options! A friend (I hope) once told me that by not committing to anything, life turns into suicide in tiny increments, and thats the way I feel right now. I never feel like I am doing just the right thing or that I should be doing something else or that where I am at isn't good enough. It's an emotionally exhausting way to live, and I don't want to anymore.
Today is only one day though and tomorrow is another. I meet my potential roommate on Friday and will hopefully get some moola in a yard sale I am having on Saturday. I also just found out that I've been accepted to the yoga teacher training program I applied to in Indy. That's pretty awesome and this small victory will hopefully open up a few more doors both in my life and my perception of it. I'll keep you all posted...

This makes me laugh though:
http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 05:31:08 GMT

In my second attempt at the world of blogging, I’ve decided to start out with an introduction or perhaps refresher to who I am and what makes me tick. So here goes:

1. I have yet to prove my blogging worth in that I tend to leave people hanging for copious amounts of time. No doubt they were waiting in rapt anticipation of my next blog that would never come.

2. I have an unhealthy obsession with cakes and pastries of any variety. I have an entire folder of pictures devoted to pastries I’ve encountered along my travels across the country. Neat huh?

3. I am a cat whisperer.

4. I just quit my job at a bank because it didn’t reflect me in any capacity and I couldn’t go there anymore. I love my banking girlie friends though, they rock my world.

5. Great at starting things but horrific at finishing them. I want to work on this in baby steps so my goal is to finish at least one of the five or so books I am reading at the moment.

6. What am I reading at the moment you ask? Let’s take a look: (it's in a book...it's Reading Rainbow)

· “The Witch of Portobello” by Paulo Coelho. I really loved his book “The Alchemist” so my mom got me this one. The tagline reads, “How do we find the courage to always be true to ourselves—even if we are unsure of who we are.”

· “Food Not Lawns” by Heather Flores. How to turn your yard into a garden and your neighborhood into a community. Oh yea, that’s good stuff.

· “It’s a Wonderful Lie: 26 Lies About Life in Your Twenties.” Yea, its’ like taking part in a generational group therapy session only I don’t have to share.

· “Staying Put: Making a Home in a Restless World” by Scott Russell Sanders. This book joined the hundreds of other tomes I’ve neglected and stopped reading over the years. I got a bunch of fees on it at the library so back it went. It was good while it lasted.

· Okay so that was four not five.

7. As a follow-up, I tend to get distracted very easily.

8. I played the violin for about 10 years and I still sound allright on it if given half a chance.

9. The first time I went overseas was in 8^th grade and I travelled throughout France with the French Club at my school. I loved every moment of it. Everyday I think about going back abroad but I am too practical and too poor to make it a reality. YET.

10. I feel too young to have regrets but I do.

11. Love in my life has always been accompanied by growth, ecstasy, and extraordinary sadness. I feel a lot , most the time overwhelmingly so.

12. I lose chapstick with alarmingly skill and dexterity. I'm convinced that one day I will stumble upon a treasure trove of all my lost Burtsbee's and I'll never have chapped lips again.

13. I’ve been a yoga student in varying levels of seriousness for about 8 years. I figure it’s about time to get paid for it so I'm going to get my yoga teacher certification. I truly love yoga and pretty much push it on everyone I can. The therapeutic effects are endless, and who doesn’t need more exercise and less stress?

14. At some point, I really want to stop working for a boss and have my own bakery/yoga studio/community center/all-around awesome place. A few more years of working for the man and perhaps I'll get there. Desk jobs are the bane of my existence.

15. And finally, I still sleep with a favorite pillow. Right now a purple overstuffed Easter peep named Mr.Peeps (original I know) waits for me in my snuggly bed where I will soon greet him and drift off into slumber

There you have it folks, my first real post on my revamped blog. Hope you are intrigued and come back for more..

Nighty night!

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 05:58:50 GMT

Testing, testing 123

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 21:48:22 GMT

Oh shit I am loving this song right now!